I wondered, I guessed, and I tried. You just knew.

I get so frusterated because I just want to give my best friends the world. And I can’t. I constantly feel like an annoyance and forever indebted. 

I just don’t want to feel like a horrible person anymore.  I can’t be that bad. 

As shitty as life may be, I have always prided myself in keeping my priorities somewhat straight and keep what  is truly important in life at the top of this list. 

Love comes in all kinds of ways. Sometimes its an object. I’ll stare at it and it won’t ever move. But I love it. If it had words, it would love me as well. Please excuse my lack of proper grammar.  My heart is exploding with all different kinds of temperatures and I can’t figure out which one is safe. 

I spent hours today watching the sun move its way across the sky and wondered if you were watching it too. Probably, because you have so much god damn time to kill. 

I really have to stop bitching. I took a step back from reality for a moment and realized what everyone has to, it could always be worse.  No one is better than me. I am better than no one.  I can’t become obsessed with not failing again. It burns and stings until I stop feeling and its a pain that crawls ever so slowly. 

Why is it so hard for me to appreciate what I have? Why must I be so selfish and needy? Everyone I know is exactly the same.

Want, want, want. Stop wanting so god damn much and just be thankful for what you have right now.  

It’s such a gut wrenching feeling not being able to have friends to talk to. Theres no sense in explaining what they never understand. No sense in them talking to me because I won’t understand. 

I think my mind has been completely disheveled or misplaced because nothing about this makes sense. 

One day, I will wake up to a pair of warm and comforting eye balls. He’ll scrunch his nose and kiss my forehead like he means it. I won’t be afraid that he’ll leave. I wont question if he will want me tomorrow. I’ll laugh like I mean it and love like it’s a hobby and not a punishment. The windows will be open and music playing somewhere that only him and I can hear. One day, I will dream in color and not in black and white. 

There is hope somewhere, that one day I will feel like a human being and actually feel the blood flow through my veins. 

End crazy too much coffee and overtired rant. 

Please give me the strength to move along and keep my back turned.  

Keep your head held high Shannon. It’s been and could be worse.